Crushed

Oh so totally crushed this morning. It's strange because the news doesn't directly affect me... My best friend's father was caught with a "secret" email address, sending flirtacious emails to craigslist posters and their neighbor. Saying things such as "I want you to satisfy me". Seriously? This couple has been together for seemingly forever; they are the picture of perfection. I would have LOVED to have them for parents. They are amazing people. Now this. Needless to say my friend, her mom and family are shattered. How so people overcome this? How does one move on? And how do we with seemingly amazing husbands continue to think this won't happen to us? Is there a point where monogamy is not enough?

Speaking of fucked up family, I'm going to visit my brother and dad tomorrow for 2 days. Should be interesting, as my brother is back on the drinking wagon (hopefully just drinking). It's exhausting trying to remember if he's on or off that damn wagon.

Here's to things going well and awesome husbands staying awesome.

Long Sigh of Sadness

Just when you think it's going to be quiet... BAM. Life smacks you in the face.

So, within the past 5 days I've found out...
- Buyers are not willing to give me what my car is worth
- My sister and brother receive a monthly stipend from father; he won't fly me out to see him.
- My mother has lost almost 100% of her assets.
(already known facts- my brother is in rehab and was kicked out of school, my father is ill, my sister is getting married)

But hey, at least I'm employed. Or something. I'm so unsure, so unsteady right now. I cannot help but let these factors get to me. I realize that next to none of these issues are mine. So why should I worry? Well... I haven't felt well for the past MONTH. It's been getting worse. Cramping, nausea, heartburn, exhaustion and now anxiety-> my fave. I don't know what's going on, but I can't help but be paranoid that I'm pregnant. Hopefully all it is, is paranoia.

Anxious

It seems so silly to get anxiety over something that hasn't necessarily happened yet. Yes, I tested positive for HD, but I am asymptomatic. Regardless of that status, every twitch, every depressed thought, every moment of fatigue; I wonder if it's my HD. I realize that's not really how it works, but I can't help myself... I find myself wondering if I'd need my anti-depressants and my anti-anxiety medication if I wasn't positive.

I try to stay abreast of new research and medications in the pipeline. Unfortunately, doing that can cause great anxiety... am I doing my best now? Is there something that I should be doing? In the end, will it matter? I continue to see topics of "great hope for those with HD!" but little fruitful information comes from them.

I wonder if this is how I will die. If I know my fate.

Control

As I may have mentioned earlier, my father has huntington's disease. He is somewhat severe in his diagnosis (unlike cancer, we do not have Stage I, II, III or IV). Every time we interact, my heart is chipped away a little. It is so hard to watch someone you love deteriorate. His movements have worsened; people staring like it's the circus doesn't help either. His logic and appropriateness have been floundering. Sometimes it's just too much to deal with.

Selfishly, I internalize his behavior. I can't help but think, "shit. that's going to be me". My therapist tells me that I am lovable, but it's hard to imagine loving someone with such difficulties. My father requires much more help than he'd like or than he'd ever want. He doesn't see the doctor ever. It's hard to communicate the importance of self-preservation to someone who doesn't care.

I entitled this control because my therapist had a great comment. She said "people with terminal illness know what's happening. They have had to submit control to their body. They seek something to control. It's different for everyone, but you have to let them have that control. That is there self-preservation".

I think that says it all.

Searching for Stability

The quest for stability in life is not a rare or unusual thing. I don't think that I'm better or different than anyone else because I can't seem to find it. I feel like I'm stuck in a corn maze; search and search as I might, there's no end in sight!

I try really hard to focus on what matters; doing "right" and working hard. Unfortunately, I have managed to lose myself within this struggle to be great. It's not necessarily what I want to do, it's what I've been conditioned to do. When my father disowned me (this lasted for only a year, then I was re-owned....) I was forced to re-invent myself. I had to scurry and find a place to live, enroll in a school and find a job. I lost a lot of myself in this process. I was so busy hurrying to do what I had to do to survive, I never stopped to breathe.

I am now at a point in my life where I have time to breathe and I don't know what to do with it. Everything is just "ok". Nothing is awesome and there's very little to look forward to. I'm stuck in a rut and need to get out.

Happenings

Well, just found out yesterday that an employee for the same agency I work for was killed over in Afghanistan. I realize that people are killed in Afghanistan everyday, that is not lost on me. This one struck a nerve.

I was supposed to deploy to Afghanistan this month. At the last minute I chose not to, due to career advice I had received. It was hard to turn down the opportunity to double my salary in 6 months, but that was my decision. In light of this news, I'm realizing that it was probably the right decision.

Since I am still in the states, I am partaking in a research study for HD. Nothing major, just longer annual appointments, that the study will pay for. The first one is, like, 5 hours long. It's a series of tests and brain scans and such. I always get so nervous doing the tests, which leads me to screwing up and looking like a baffoon.

This post has been all over the place. Sorry about that. A lot on my mind, I guess.

Greetings

Greetings. A little about me; I am a 25 year-old woman, living in Northern California with my husband, 2 dogs and kitty. I was diagnosed 3 years ago with Huntington's Disease (HD)- a neurodegenetive/ movement disorder. That has been a big motivator for me to write this blog. When I first started researching HD, I found little to nothing that was helpful to someone who is asymptomatic, like myself. Hopefully I can help or meet others in similar situations.
Other than that, I live a relatively normal life. I work my tushy off and hope for the best in life. I do enjoy crafts and such; I like to keep busy while being agoraphobic ... :)

Let's chat again soon.